When they ask, "What did you do to stimulate the economy?" what will you say? When they ask, "Were you a foot soldier for the economic stimulus package?" how will you answer? When they ask, "How did you spend your tax rebate?" what will you say?
The U.S. Congress, in its wisdom, with the advice and consent of George W. Bush (master of business administration from Harvard University), himself, has borrowed billions of dollars from the Chinese so that the Treasury could send you tax rebate checks.
Don't disappoint your grandchildren by telling them that you stashed away that tax rebate in your savings account at 1.5 percent interest while retailers everywhere were offering bargain prices on everything from corn chips to flat-screen televisions. America depends on retail sales. When sales dip or when "consumer confidence" (another way of saying "eagerness to buy anything in sight") dips, the whole economy falters. Chevrolet sells fewer cars. Boeing sells fewer jet airliners. And Microsoft sells fewer fixes for its latest software glitch.
And it's all because consumers, as a whole, decided they could do without a new pair of flip-flops or that 100 percent pure Angus beef sirloin or that Veg-o-matic they've always wanted.
For any readers who might not have thought of what they can do to serve their country in its hour of need, I offer the following suggestions for stimulating the economy with those big bucks your Uncle Sam just sent you (although he really couldn't afford it):
* Go for volume -- put your entire rebate check into what used to be called "penny candy" -- Mary Janes, jawbreakers, etc. The candy is no longer a penny, but you can probably pick it up for a nickel or a dime apiece, which means a family of four could buy 18,000 to 36,000 pieces of candy. You could spread the purchases among a coupla hundred stores to get more bang for your buck, and you'd satisfy your sweet tooth for a year.
* Go for volume (2) -- Convert your entire rebate check into $1 bills, then add a dollar (or two) each time you leave a tip. This strategy stimulates the economy at the bottom (waiters, stylists, manicurists, etc.) where it is most needed. An ancillary benefit is that this relieves you of the responsibility of spending your stimulus correctly. Let the waitress decide what's best for the economy.
* Help China and Southeast Asia -- Buy anything electronic. Chances are it was made in China, Singapore or Malaysia. Your rebates can help turn these Third World countries into Emerging Economies so that, someday, they can quit manufacturing things and just consume imports like we do.
* Invest in the stock market -- Now, this might not sound as patriotic as spending your tax rebate on trinkets and Twinkies, but the way the market has been doing lately, the money disappears the same way as if you put it all into milkwshakes.
* Buy a car -- This is a really patriotic strategy, especially if you buy an American-made car. Since your tax rebate will not be sufficient to buy a new car (unless you are a married couple with 62 children), you'll have to buy a used car -- and a pretty old used car, at that. Not only will your purchase price stimulate the economy of a used-car dealer, but your continuing repairs on the heap will keep on stimulating the economy for years to come.
* Invest in democracy -- Hire a Washington, D.C., lobbyist to promote legislation to stimulate the economy on a regular basis, say, once a month. After all, it's working well so far.
tarleton@wilsontimes.com | 265-7812