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Donald Trump and global warming. Not what you would call your match made in heaven. Rather, the pairing hearkens closer to the other location. That hotter destination often described as being in a more Southernly direction. The one with the pitchfork racks on the scorched walls of the foyer.
Not only does the president not believe in global warming, he thinks the exact opposite is going on. Whatever that is. He’s not really sure. But it’s definitely neither warming nor global. Could be localized. Could be cooling. Still snows in New Hampshire in the winter, don’t it?
His series of climate change denials have included calling it a hoax, blaming the Chinese and saying it could turn back on its own. He even said it was a spurious plot dreamed up by Crooked Hillary to make him look bad, and claimed he would have won the popular vote if millions of illegals hadn’t flooded the polls.
He pulled out of the Paris Climate Accords, even though hundreds of U.S. corporations lobbied to stay in. Because apparently they have access to research that seems to indicate that the extinction of the human species might adversely affect quarterly dividends. Especially in the retail sector.
In their most recent report, the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change announced an updated strategy: learn to live with it. Remember when they said that if something wasn’t done within 10 years, all hell was going to break loose? Well, that was 16 years ago. So what they’re saying now is, the basement is already full of gas, we should concentrate on lighting the fewest matches.
Then Trump’s own administration was forced to issue the 1,600-page national climate assessment, which they attempted to bury by releasing it the day after Thanksgiving. You know, that blackest of Fridays, when most Americans are recovering from ingesting enough calories to stuff a woolly mammoth. Speaking of extinct species.
That report suggests that unless something is done by 2100, 10 percent of our gross national product could disappear due to environmental deterioration.
There you go. See, that’s how you reach the guy. Focus on ramifications he can understand. And losing money would certainly be one of them.
So here are some other possible items of note to help convince Mr. Trump that climate change might not be the best thing since sliced bread.
• Rising ocean levels washing through Mar-A-Lago would necessitate the refurbishment of a large amount of rooms.
• Increased humidity guaranteed to make his daily hair scaffolding ritual more complicated.
• Might prove to be a major inconvenience for Sean Hannity.
• Rudy Giuliani would dissolve into an oil slick that would dissipate and befoul beaches up and down the entire East Coast.
• Would definitely affect Melania’s complexion. And not necessarily in a good way.
• Can almost guarantee it would interfere with the intricate electronics that allow Mike Pence to appear so lifelike.
• Might prove to be a major inconvenience for Vladimir Putin.
• Kellyanne Conway can’t float.
• Scientists predict wars breaking out over dwindling food and water supplies and we all know how much he enjoys his snacks.
• Having the carts burning up on his golf courses might negatively affect resort revenues. Because as everyone knows, a dead member is not a dues-paying member.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.